Saturday, September 14, 2019

Ignorance is bliss they say. Is it really though?


I chanced upon a welsh YouTuber’s videos recently, where she’s living on £1 a day for meals. Not because she couldn’t afford more, she’s a YouTubers with almost 1 million subscribers, surely, she can afford more than £1 a day. She says she’s been doing this challenge to be more appreciative of what she has and to see first-hand how life is for many ppl who are less privileged. 

Now, I get why she’s doing this, and I’ve not got anything against her for that. But what threw me off guard was how she managed it. 

Let’s do the math here first. £1 a day for 7 days. What would do if you only had £1 a day for the whole week to feed yourself? Option 1: You buy a combination of groceries for £7 and cook several meals for the week. Option 2: Go to the grocery store every day and look for reduced item food or cheap canned food and survive with it. 

My common sense says buy food for £7 and cook several meals for the week. Saves time so you don’t have to think of what to eat every morning, saves petrol from unnecessary traveling to different grocery stores every day, reduces stress cos you know that you already have enough food, most importantly, you would still be eating somewhat healthy. 

This YouTuber chose the latter. Day 1 till day 3 she did this. She uploaded day 1’s video at the end of day 3. So when she started for video for day 4, she announced that she’s read the comments that indicated that she was cooking spaghetti wrong, gave tips that McDonald’s gives free ketchup, she can get free food by looking for coupons online, and that she can microwave her stale hard bread to make it soft. 

Who cares whether you break the spaghetti in half before boiling it, I do that too for convenience sake? Who’s to say what is right and wrong anymore now. What works for one wouldn’t necessarily work for another. Didn’t anyone suggest that she could have gone for option 1? Didn’t anyone think of it that way? Or didn’t she read all the comments? This bothered me for a bit, so I took it upon myself and read the comments. Nope. No one suggested this. Ok, let’s set that aside for now. 

She’s a YouTuber with almost 1 million followers. She’s been doing this for almost 7 years now if I’m not mistaken. She basically lives in the internet, hasn’t she heard of Google??? For the number of times that she complained about the hard bread, a simple 1 minute google search would have solved her misery. She was stating that she had to hunt for cheap food every day and cook every day, and that was tiring her out. Hasn’t she ever heard of meal preps? How can she have spent that much time on the internet and not heard about such things?

Is she being ignorant, or am I the one who’s ignorant? I had a similar thought when I came across another YouTuber some time ago who didn’t make much sense about something rather common, and I thought, how can he be so ignorant. I mean, I myself rely on Google and YouTube for almost everyday living. Don’t people who make a living out of these platforms learn things from it too? Wouldn’t it make more sense for them to be more aware of their surroundings rather than just say whatever they want to say and allow themselves to be subjected to ridicules? 

Lately, there has been many open discussions about mental health, anxiety and depression that comes with putting yourself out there on the internet and opening your life for others to see, comment and condemn is a scary thing. If you are willing to do that, wouldn’t you want to be prepared and have your defences ready? It is one thing to be knowledgeable and share that with others and another to think that you are the know-it-all just because you’ve got a large number of followings. 

I’ve been thinking about this for some time now and still do not have an answer. Why would someone who works with the internet not use it to their benefit? 

Saturday, September 7, 2019

New hobbies

Out of the blues, I decided I needed to pick up a new hobby. A small voice within me said my juggling clubs would come crashing down if I added one more to the current mix. However, my mind said, “You need to pick up something new”. 

When I was younger, the standard hobbies were reading, swimming, photography, travelling etc.  Been there, done that. In fact, reading, swimming and travelling is now a necessity, while photography has become a profession. 

Since I had been unsuccessful in figuring out an interesting new hobby for the last 2 weeks without consulting google, I randomly brought this topic up to my colleagues. They eagerly gave me some of their ideas; extreme sports, knitting, crocheting, painting, cooking, baking, blogging, you could cook/bake and blog about it. 

I had my reservations for each one of it. I’m not into extreme sports, and I’m not fond of knitting. Crocheting is very similar. Painting is a thought, but the potential mess doesn’t excite me very much. I dislike spending too much time in the kitchen, and I can’t handle any recipes with more than 5 ingredients, so cooking and baking doesn’t rank very highly with me. I already blog now, even if it’s once in a blue moon, it still counts doesn’t it. Hey, I’m not picky, I just want to make sure I pick something that I will actually follow through and not abandon ship. 

That evening, I started rethinking the options that were laid out before me. To be honest, despite having an opinion that spending too much time in the kitchen is not productive, I have indeed been doing just that for the last few years. I have slowly but surely embraced the need for me to do so. It hasn’t been very graceful, but it has happened. I now only spend about 2-3 hours on Sundays to cook for the whole week, and that’s me done with the kitchen for the rest of the week. I couldn’t have been happier with my new found plan. But what I failed to see till today is that I’ve been spending the better half of my Saturdays making a new dish for the last 3-4 months. 

How did I figure this out this weekend? I was making protein balls on Friday night after work because I was bored. This provoked my own curiosity. A quick look into my phone’s photo album proved my suspicion. Every Saturday that I have been at home where I didn’t have any guests or plans to go out, I’ve been spending hours trying to make a new dish. 

First, let me dish out a disclaimer; food is a food and cooking is cooking regardless of whether you use the hob or not, or whether your dish is sweet or spicy. Having said that, the ratio between desserts and main meals that I have tried is probably 8 out of the 10. I, for one, can eat desserts instead of meals, so according to my rules, desserts or not, food is food and cooking is cooking. I can’t help it when I have a major sweet tooth, and I naturally gravitate towards dessert recipes. 

As mentioned earlier, I cannot deal with anything that has more than 5 practical ingredients. Practical, according to my dictionary means available in the grocery store that I frequent. I’m not going to take the extra effort to go to another store to find it. Most of my experiments in the kitchen were rather straight forward, but not all of them were successfully identical to the images that were plastered all over the websites or YouTube videos at the end of the recipes.  

On one such auspicious day, I decided I was going to make mango mousse, what I got at the end of it was a mango lassi instead. Here’s what happened. The recipe called for only 3 ingredients; mangos, whipping cream, and condensed milk. As simple as that. I got all my ingredients in my local grocery store; frozen mangos (I’ve got this thing about seeing the seed of a mango fruit when you cut it – there’s a long childhood history behind this), single cream and light evaporated milk. In my defence, there wasn’t any whipping cream, and google told me double cream was a good alternative. I took it a notch further and decided to go with single cream to make it healthier and cut down the fat. There was also no condensed milk in this shop, so the same applied here, I got the light evaporated milk thinking of healthier options. To top the mismatched ingredients, I winged my measurements. What? It was only 3 simple ingredients, surely measurements were not that important. 

And that’s the story of how the mango mousse recipe became mango lassi instead.  This is just one tiny bit of my kitchen chronicles. 

Maybe I should start a series called Chumi’s Kitchen Chronicles soon. I feel like that’s a new hobby right there now. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Half way through, and barely making it?

I’m feeling very fidgety and spend-y.   

This would be a good time to check in with some updates on my no buy year. It’s now 6 months into my no buy year, I can’t really decide if it is going well or not. I’ll tell you why and you can decide. Also, I’ve now realized that there are people checking on me and I am accountable to them.  

Let me just put this out there first; my main reason for not buying anything this year is not finance, it’s my mental state of mind that I wanted/needed to conquer. Last year I spent quite a number of times binge shopping, just because I wanted to divert my mind, because I felt like it and mainly because I felt I didn’t have enough clothes. I just got fed up of always wanting more when I already had enough clothes, but didn’t want to repeat clothes on holidays, for occasions etc. I’ve got a huge wardrobe in my house, which is full to the brim and another huge wardrobe in my mother’s house, that I usually clear out 3-4 times a year and yet is still full. This is not even a humble brag. It’s mostly old clothes that I’ve been hanging on to hoping I would fit into again at some point. Yet, to be honest, it’s not even the biggest wardrobe I have seen. I know of people who have so much more than I do. But I don’t care about that, it’s my own attitude towards shopping that I wanted to change. I don’t have a problem with spending, I have a problem with appreciating what I have, and this is what I needed to change. 

In January this year, went cold turkey and decided I was going to stop shopping and started a capsule wardrobe out of my existing clothes. I wanted to get as much wear out of all my existing clothes as possible. I feel the urge to add a bit of a disclaimer here. What I created is anything but a capsule wardrobe. To get rid of clothes that I’ve been holding on to (just because I want to see a full wardrobe all the time) was an achievement on its own. I got rid of clothes that I saved for thinner days and ill-fitting clothes that were gifted that I held on to for donkeys’ years. I also managed to separate my winter and summer clothes. If you know me, you will know that I’m forever freezing and will gladly wear jumpers and winter coats in the middle of summer in UK. In my defense, UK summers are deceiving and a disgrace, except for this year.  

Having said that, in terms of not buying any new clothes, I have truly been doing quite well so far. Especially when I’ve been back home to Malaysia and India and had a holiday in Spain in the last 6 months. I thought India especially was going to be tough since I was going for a wedding, and said weddings are no easy feat. I had to make a schedule on what to wear 3 times a day for 4 days! My mother bought me a saree for the main wedding day, I ended up ‘borrowing’ my mother’s saree for another day and got a Punjabi suit as a gift from one of my aunts. Initially I was going to allow myself to do some shopping in Malaysia and India. I justified that it’s not often that I would get to go back, everything is much cheaper and better there, especially the Indian wear, it’s a one-off thing etc. However, I avoided the shopping malls in Malaysia and India like a plague. *A well-deserved pat on the back for myself for achieving that.  

Every time my husband complains about the only pair of black jeans I now own/fit, I keep reminding him that I can’t do any shopping this year. It’s fine, it’s not torn, I can still wear it despite it not being fashionable. Still proud of myself for holding on to my principles. 

What I’m not really proud of at this point is that I’m desperately counting down to the end of the year. I’ve planned out a budget for my year end shopping, started preparing on how much to buy next year (read; planning on a whole new wardrobe), and where to go shopping. I am very aware that this is deemed as cheating. I am lying to my own self by saying that it’s ok to plan for end of the year shopping, as long as I don’t buy anything this year. The challenge was only to reduce/stop shopping this year, next year doesn’t count!

This evening when I was extremely upset that I couldn’t buy anything, I told my husband I was feeling very spend-y and needed some motivation to keep me grounded. He says, “Let’s go shopping together!” How does that even help?! 

NO! I am not going to lose to myself! I refuse to lose to myself! Only 5 more months to go!   

Saturday, January 5, 2019

I have taken an oath with myself that I will not do any shopping for myself until 26th Dec 2019.

This is not new year’s resolution, but it has come at a time where my recent hysterical shopping behaviour has led me to put myself in a non-existing naughty corner; no shopping for this whole year. Period.
I tried to do this about 6 months ago, only because I went crazy shopping during my holiday trips in the middle of the year.  I went cold turkey back then, and it didn’t help at all. In fact, it back fired on me and made me shop even more in the next few months. I got into the habit of seeking some retail therapy when I needed to release some stress or displayed an unhealthy amount of sympathy for myself. I called it treating myself; that is never a good reason to do it. The realisation struck, and i devised another plan. I decided that I was going to shop all I wanted up till boxing day, and that will be my last for a year. If I’m well stocked up, I wouldn’t need to buy anything. #It’sCalledPrePlanning
I had a list of things that I needed to be wanted. It was a lovingly compiled list that I spent hours looking online and in shops and wanted to wait for the sales in December. Come December and the long-awaited shopping day, low and behold, I did not get any of it!! Not one thing from my list! I just got a few bits and pieces here and there, and I wasn’t even happy with it. To make matters worse, my husband ordered a pair of black converse online, and it was delivered on 31/12. I tried it on, and it was so good!!! It was what I needed and didn’t have the common sense to think of before! Why doesn’t he have a size 4 feet like me! I contemplated ordering it online with the budget that I had left from my ‘Final shopping in 2018’. If I used that money, it’s not cheating then it is. But I didn’t do it. It’s hardly a need is it? Now that black leather hi-top converse is number 1 on my list for 2019 Boxing Day shopping. 355 days to go. #JustSaying
Every day after this I kept obsessing with the ads that was flooding my inbox. Everyone seems to be selling everything that I needed wanted now. The only way around it was to unsubscribe from all of it. I loved looking at all the sales and new items. All the ideas I got from everywhere. I just love online shopping and browsing. I look at everything and store it in my head for some unknown,unforeseen future reference. I wanted to be up to date with the latest fashion and promotions. #NotLikeIAmAFashionDiva. My nieces are probably better dressed than me sometimes. 
I also felt important that I had so many emails in my inbox, but the painful reality was that 9/10 emails every day were either ads and bills payment confirmations this week. Sigh. Welcome to adult life, where bills take over fun shopping. I spent one whole painful afternoon unsubscribing from all the emails that came through to meand spent the next day being upset that I wasn’t receiving any emails. I am not as important as I thought I am. 
While one side of my brain is telling me to stop shopping, the other side of the brain noticed one of my colleague's work wear style and got fascinated. I said to myself that I need to try that style rather than prints and florals ALL.THE.TIME! On a side note, I finally packed my summer clothes this week and noticed that ALL my skirts were florals; ALL my summer tops had busy prints! I don't know how i matched those together. probably why i hardly wore my skirts. What a shame that such realisation only comes when I keep telling myself that I cannot buy. 
At the rate advertising and consumerism is heading these days, unsubscribing from emails just won’t cut it. I would need to delete my Instagram account, Facebook account, YouTube, stop reading blogs, and sit under a rock! Literally. There’s influence from every corner!
This rule doesn’t apply to holidays and experiences though. It’s not like I go on holidays every month, and holidays are not the same as shopping. What is going to be challenging is shopping while I’m on holiday. Back when we were really broke and did budget holidays, I only bought fridge magnets for myself as remembrance while I bought gifts and souvenirs for the family. I was still satisfied with it. As times changed, fridge magnets weren’t good enough for me anymore. I increased my shopping with each holiday after that. I enjoyed buying things that I could use and has a story to tell. 
Like a crystal water jug that I got from my trip to Athens, that I’m so precious about it only comes out for dinner parties, where I proudly tell anyone who bothers to ask ‘Oh, that’s from my holiday to Athens’, ‘And my coasters are from Paris’, ‘I got that pot from Dubai, as you would’. ‘Nice earring? They’re from Germany’... and so on. Maybe I’ll allow myself to buy one thing when on holiday, in addition to a fridge magnet, and a little something for the house perhaps. I definitely have to stop buying more new bed sheets this year at the very least. The new-bed-sheet-addiction is really I tell you, so real. 
By the end of this saga, I hope to have come to the realisation that I’m not sacrificing anything at all. Shopping isn’t all there is to life. Being on top of the fashion game is not everything. I am after all someone who wore the same clothes to work 5 days in a row. Albeit not being happy for my own personal reasons, I survived it. This time, I hope to survive with much more grace than feeling sorry for myself.
I’ve decided, and there’s no more turning back now. I really want to see how I can cope with it, and how it feels. So the rule is; no shopping for a year, however, if something I already have is broken/finished, I will get a replacement. I’m just not going to get new clothes or shoes. I can, however, accept (hope to receive) gifts throughout the year in addition to anniversary, my birthday, and Christmas. CC: Please take note, my family and friends, if you are reading this, especially Laxman Sivanathan! I’m a size 8 for clothes and a size 4 for shoes. ;) 

Monday, December 31, 2018

Good bye 2018, Hello 2019.

2018 has been a memorable year, several achievements, breakthroughs, etc. like all previous years. Memorable for many reasons; good and bad equally. But being a child of God, I always choose to believe that the good outweighs the bad and trust that God has something good out of everything. All things work for good to those who love God (Romans 8:28), doesn’t it?
I’m usually the kind who trust God blindly, simply because I don’t know what else to do otherwise. I believe God does things in His time, that God is in control of everything, because I have given him that authority in my life. I choose to let God have His way in my life rather than asking Him to provide me with everything I want. 
There were times throughout this year that I felt God spoke to me so often, so easily, but there were times where I hadn’t heard from him at all when I desperately needed to. I could have been too consumed with my own reasoning that I didn’t really listen tok Him, but I blamed God for being silent. 
As I’ve been praying for the last few weeks about 2019, I wanted to hear from God directly on what he has in store for me in 2019. I just didn’t want to listen to random promises and take it for myself. I heard God loud and clear on what he wanted me to do a few days ago, but I didn’t accept it. 2019 is going to be a year for me to re-learn to have faith in God all over again, more precisely, to have steadfast faith in God. 
If you know my personal story, you would know that I’m one of those people who have absolutely no reasons whatsoever to deny God’s faithfulness because of all the miraculous,  extraordinary and supernatural things he has done in my life. And yet, to hear that God wants me to re-learn faith in Him was somewhat an embarrassment for me. I’m not a young Christian who still needs to be fed baby food, I’m longer one who needs to be lead to know God for who He is, I’m not the lost sheep. In fact, I’m on the other end of the rope now. God, you are surely mocking me now, aren’t you? 
I fought with this thought for a good few days, but gave up in the end because I realised that I actually needed it, but I just refused to accept it. One can never claim that they fully understand God, or completely trust Him without a doubt when things don’t go the way they excepted. One cannot comprehend God’s infinite wisdom. One cannot deny the fact that it’s their faith that takes a beating when their foundation is shaken. 
I may sound foolish when I say I trust God is in control when nothing works in my favour. I may look stupid when I say I let God take control of things in my life. It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by God (Surrounded, by Michael W Smith). 

In 2 Thessalonians 3:5, Paul said to the Thessalonians "May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God  and to the steadfastness of Christ.” It’s not my faith that is unwavering, it’s Christ’s steadfastness that I need to be focused on. 
Let us hold fast the confession of our Hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. - Hebrews 10:23. 
Have faith. 
When everyone was talking about the new year, I felt as if  I wasn’t prepared, but not anymore. Bring it on 2019, I’m ready for you now! Let’s learn steadfast faith. 

Friday, October 12, 2018

So we all know that everything we see on social media is not true, or is it?



Disclaimer: You may or may not relate to any of this. I’m just talking to my younger self, and you are welcome to eve’s drop if you like. 


Instagram for example, is all about being happy, showing off luxurious things, travel pictures, holidays and gifts, pretty cafes and the list can go on and on and on. It’s all about prettiness. But life isn’t always pretty is it? No one wakes up pretty, no one can travel to his or her heart’s content without working hard. It’s just not served on a silver platter. 

And then I recently came across quite a few people explaining that there was a major fight that broke out just before and after the happy family picture on Instagram grid was taken. Another one showed on her Instagram stories that she took hundreds of pictures that were 1 mm different from each other before she chose the best one. Another said he did it for the Gram. Yet another said she put on make up and did her hair before uploading her #IWokeUpLikeThis picture on Instagram. Someone uploaded a professional photo shoot picture that was filtered and airbrushed, saying she’s had a tough time -life is not all that easy and talking about keeping things real. Some over think before uploading anything to Instagram, worrying if the grid looks good, thinking if the picture would be worth putting up online, denying herself of the freedom of being whoever she or he wanted to be. 

#Confession: It actually makes me feel better about myself when someone online says that life isn’t a bed of roses and they too have difficulties behind all that gorgeous make up, fashion, luxury, holidays etc. 

It’s nice to see that all things on Instagram pretty and perfect. But is life really perfect? No, it isn’t. Not even for those who are perfect Instagrammers. Does someone else’s ‘perfect’ life make you feel insufficient? Zooming into Instagram, comparing pictures, planning a pretty grid, planning pictures, and making up activities for stories. #IAmGuiltyOfItAll and so are all of us at some point or the other. #PuttingYourselfThroughUnnecessaryPressure. (How I wish my hashtag game was actually this good while I’m thinking of some captions for Instagram!). 

I don’t quite believe in jinxing or superstitions, but I’ve found myself to be extra cautions about what and how much I share I social media these days. From someone who uploaded every single picture on Facebook, I’ve now become the invisible one. I don’t talk about my travels, happy stories, success stories etc. And if I do share something, I go online from time to time to remind everyone who’s watching me that I’ve had my fair share of difficulties, as if in a way to remind people not be jealous of what I have.

I remember when I went to Dubai for 2 weeks last year as a wedding anniversary trip, I wrote a blog to share with everyone that it was my husband’s work trip that I tagged along, and I was sitting in my hotel room being sick, and that it took us an argument and grumpy cold shoulder from my part to take a nice “Anniversary Picture” for social media.  This is just one of the examples. I recall doing this a few times, but don’t quite remember what exactly it is. 

What’s the point of this random verbal gibberish? 

I’ve come to the realisation that I should not need a reminder about one bad experience behind all the good ones. And someone else’s airbrushed picture shouldn’t change your perception of how life is for you. I no longer care about how I look like in pictures; hence I do not rush to look at the picture before it is uploaded to social media. I no longer care about scars and marks on my face, I no longer care if I cannot find the right angle that makes me look thin.  I no longer care that I don’t take selfies anymore. I no longer seek validation in others’ #BehindTheScenes. 

The irony of this is, while I’m writing this, my husband is sat next to me, zooming into his LinkedIn profile photo shoot that I did for him over the weekend, and complaining that he’d got bad skin, doesn’t look good, has pimples etc. All because the other LinkedIn profile pictures on Google are airbrushed. This is coming from someone who’s actually confident and never lets anything bring him down. It happens to the best of us sometimes. 

#KeepItReal, without the airbrush, filters and photoshop. I may start a series for this soon. 






Friday, May 4, 2018

I deleted Facebook and Instagram for 5 days



I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with social media. Sometimes I cannot have enough of it, and other times I’m so sick of it that I never want to see it ever again. Who would have thought such lifeless piece of technology would provoke strong wavering emotions over an inanimate part of technology that has taken over everyone’s life. Of the numerous platforms, I’ve been sucked into Facebook and Instagram, while I think Whatsapp should be included in that list, and I can’t stand it anymore.

I one thing that I loved doing while I was growing up was read. It didn’t really start early in life for me. Let’s just say I was a late bloomer, but when it happened, it happened! I LOVED reading! If I got hold of a good book, you can be assured that I would be awake the whole night reading it, and stay awake the entire day in school the next day as well. It was a vicious cycle, and mind you I was about 15 or 16 at this time I think.  But I never evolved with techonology in reading. I always loved hardcopy books, I enjoyed holding the book and flicking through pages, Kindle just wouldn’t cut it out for me.

This went on for a good few years, until Facebook, Instagram and YouTube took over, all in that exact order. Actually, Facebook took a back seat a few years ago. I went cold turkey with Facebook, abruptly stopped uploading and sharing stuff, stopped stalking people, stopped commenting on stuff and even stopped communicating with people. But I still spend a bit of time passively looking through my newsfeed once in a while.

Instagram and YouTube were the real culprits that diverted my attention from books. Instagram was so colourful and exciting, such a huge platform to learn, grow and develop. I used to upload pictures every day and communicate with people. I literally built my own world in Instagram; I was always thinking about what to upload, what to write as captions for my pictures, spent time researching and understanding the algorithms of Instagram - just like I did with my blog, and then let it die a slow painful death. Priorities changed, it became too time-consuming to plan, edit pictures, add my watermark, resize it, transfer to my phone and upload it to Instagram. Even when I wasn’t actively putting on content, I started browsing the discovery page, and boy did I discover more and more photographers and interesting themes and ideas.

YouTube was a whole new world that teleported me into it. YouTube has everything literally under the sun. I’m all for learning, so I used to reason with myself that I was learning stuff. I was basically in denial; it just consumed my whole world. I spent hours during my lunchtime at work, mornings, evening, while sitting in traffic (not when I’m driving), just every minute that I was free and didn’t know what to do, even when I had so much work to do, I would mindlessly scroll through Instagram. 25GB of data from my mobile network fed my crazy behaviour even more.

I obviously didn’t have any more time to read, because social media on my phone was far more relaxing and easier compared to reading. But in the hope of winning back my first love, I was still buying books that I fancied. Every time I went to Waterstones, I would walk out with a book, read it for 3 days, then forget about it for about 10 days, and start it all over again, only to stop a few days later. My once bare bookshelf (6 months ago) began getting filled quite quickly because Laxman and I were buying a lot of books between us (he wouldn’t let me buy clothes or household stuff, but never says no to books), and received books as gifts as well.

Something in me snapped on Monday last week. I deleted Facebook during my lunchtime and started reading a book (I strategically place books around me at home and work so I can read, should the urge arise and in an attempt to make myself to read). But this was only after I finished scrolling through Instagram and was updated with all the useless stories and random pictures. I got about 20 minutes reading time, which was better than nothing if I say so myself.

Then on Tuesday afternoon, I deleted Instagram, only after scrolling through for that day’s updates though, and then continued reading. I think I got about 30 minutes reading time, and it felt good for some odd reason. The book was so interesting, that I didn’t even want to get back to work. I texted Laxman to tell him I wished I had the afternoon off so I could continue reading. I had a sense of pride, an achievement that I was longing for. I haven’t felt this way about reading for many years now about.

On Wednesday, I thought it was YouTube that was going to be axed off next. Surprisingly, I didn’t even bother watching anything on YouTube, I went straight for my book. It could be because the book was so interesting or that I finally came to my senses. Regardless, I continued reading the rest of the week, and had double thoughts about bringing the book back home for the weekend so I can hopefully finish it, but I’ve got another book that I’m reading at home, which I’m desperately trying to finish so I can start another book that’s next in my list. (I’m reading two different books simultaneously; one for home and one for work, something that I started about 2 months back for practicality purpose, but have not been very successful yet)

Throughout the 5 days that I somewhat succeeded in spending more time reading than wasting time on my phone, there were many occasions where I looked at the top right corner of the book to see what time it was, and plenty a times used my thumb to scroll through the page once I reached the bottom of the page in a hard cover book. Is this what you call a millennial? Ha ha ha, yeah right. I’m not going to lie, I also had FOMO – fear of missing out. On Wednesday, I was a bit concerned that I was going to miss out people’s stories on Instagram, and I was gravely concerned on how I was going to catch up with everything I’ve missed. Why did I think it was important to follow other people’s life every hour? I don’t know. And on a side note, I slept quite well that whole week.

After 5 days, I thought I had attained the highest level of self-discipline that I needed. So I installed Instagram once again on Saturday morning. I’m not proud of myself to report that I must have spent at least 3 hours on Instagram throughout the day, with occasional gaps of course, and did not sleep well that night.  To redeem myself, I uploaded a picture on Instagram today. Took me 10 minutes to figure out what to upload, and another 10 minutes to figure out this hashtag business.

I might delete Instagram again in the coming week. Or I might try to discipline myself more this week. Either way, I’ve spent the last two days trying to figure out what to upload in the family WhatsApp group. Apparently, my 83-year-old grandfather is now in the family WhatsApp group and is especially eager to see photos and send photos. The only problem is, I’ve not been taking any pictures of myself, nor do I have anything interesting to post, but I don’t want to miss out, so looks like I might be digging out old photos.




Sunday, February 25, 2018

New item on the shopping list


Remember the day when I was talking about wanting to buy a new watch that cost about £200 about 2 weeks ago? I’ll admit, I had/have absolutely no valid reason that I can justify and it’s definitely not out of necessity. 

Fast-forward to present time; I’ve found something five times more expensive that I’m obsessing about. Again, absolutely no valid reasons whatsoever, not out of necessity, and definitely not because I’ve got £1000 ready to spend on this.

When Laxman offered to change my phone for me months ago (I’ve been due for an upgrade for donkey’s years now by the way), I declined, I said I didn’t need a new one, this works fine, it’s all the same thing, the new phone is far too expensive, so I’m not changing my phone, and all that jazz. A few weeks later he knocked my phone out of my hands and it fell, sustaining some scratches on it. I still insisted I didn’t need a new phone.

A few weeks ago I started noticing really nice pictures on Instagram that were shot on the iPhone X. I started changing heart slowly, but surely. I started telling Laxman how annoying my phone was. The speakers were not working so I had to reboot my phone almost everyday, I didn’t have any storage space on my phone at all that I kept getting that annoying out of space message every time I tried to take a picture so I kept deleting everything from my whatsapp history and gallery, I cannot update my phone cos there isn’t enough space!

So 2 days ago, upon Laxman’s regular coaxing, I started looking for upgrade deals on Vodafone. iPhone X was far too expensive that I didn’t have the heart to do it immediately, but neither did I want to get iPhone 8 which was half the price. Laxman said go ahead, it’s your early birthday gift and I said no. (I know what I’m like, I’ll take this now and come June, I’ll wait for another present.) Not whole-heartedly though.

However, I didn’t stop there and leave it all behind me. I was still looking for iPhone X cases and screen protectors in Amazon and putting it in the basket, constantly kept looking at the Vodafone website, hoping there would be some miraculously good deal. I don’t know what I was trying to proof. 

The cheekiest was this evening. When I was talking to mum over the phone this evening, I was looking for my headphones. I didn’t find it in the usual place, so I searched all over the house, twice, and even between the sofa cushions. There’s no way I’d let anything go between my sofa cushions, leave alone stay in there. I made Laxman search for it as well, but we still couldn’t find it, so he got me his old headphones to use temporarily. I used it, but in my mind, I had devised a cheeky plan. I was going to use this as an excuse to get a new phone. I don’t have my headphones, so I deserve a new phone?! What was I even thinking?? Don’t ask! 10 minutes later, I found my own headphones in my coat pocket, the coat that I have been wearing for the last hour. I sneakily walked away to the room to hide it so Laxman doesn’t see it. But looks like he’s more observant than I give him credit for. He noticed and followed me to the room to see what I was doing and found out I was trying to hide my headphones. And then I had to explain my master plan to him. All this while I was talking to my mother on the phone.

I don’t know if this will ever die down; the need for wanting to buy everything that’s brand new and jazzy. 2 days ago I actually prayed that this desire for wanting to constantly shop should end. I mean, it’s not the end of the world if I don’t have the latest trend in clothes or bags or technology. But 2 minutes later, I found myself telling God not to take that seriously.

Instagram is solely responsible for this misbehaviour.


Sunday, February 18, 2018

The Black Panther is more than just a movie

I really don't have a funny story today, or some genuine ancestral insight that I want to pass on.  My mind is scattered all over the place at the moment after watching Black Panther that I really needed to pen it down in order to gather my thoughts and bring my mind back to order. 

I'm telling you again, this might not be interesting for you, the following is only the random thoughts that go on in my head from day to day, much more today than a regular day. I'm actually allowing you to come into my head and listen to me think, talk to myself, motivate myself, and encourage myself. There's usually a lot that goes on in my mind. And this is a small snippet of it. 

Continue reading with caution. You've been warned. 

So, I can safely say I am now a Marvel fan now, and I loved Black Panther! There might or might not be any spoilers. I cannot comprehend how the whole team has been so creative, that I don’t want to be careful about what I speak. 

About a few months ago, I used to muse over how some music directors are so creative. How do they know what will sound good and what won't? How do they know what works and what doesn't? Who decides what the trend is? Who sets the bench mark? The truth is, there's isn't a set bench mark for creativity. It's what they've decided they like and it trends. 

There’s no such thing as normalcy when it comes to creativity. There isn’t a set of rules to follow. But that doesn’t mean you can randomly put things together and declare it as creative or the new standards. Creativity comes from a lot of practice, hardworking, and experience. And most importantly dedication and discipline. Always remember that there's bucket loads of experience and hard work behind every achievement that has paid off. 

Which leads me on to this movie in particular. I’ve seen other Marvel movies, like Ant Man, which I enjoyed because it was funny, and I’ve seen Captain America: Civil War, which I did not enjoy because I was uncomfortable in the front seat of the theatre, had a splitting headache and didn't have a clue how each of the characters came about. But with Black Panther, it didn't matter whether I saw anything else or not. 1/3rd into the movie and I was already telling myself that I wanted to watch it again (partially because I didn’t follow the first bit of who was who and who killed whom, but mostly because it was really good that I wanted to see the details the second time round).  The first thing that struck me about this movie, is how well planned, how creative and how completely out of the world it was. 

As much as the praises we have for the movie, it’s really important to remember that the entire team haven’t started off now. This isn’t their first movie. They've obviously got so much experience under their belts in the past years, that has led them to improve their skills. What they reap now is what they’ve sown in the past. But having said that, the director of the movie said in an interview that there isn’t a day that he didn't doubted himself throughout the whole shooting process. Doubting yourself doesn’t mean you underestimate yourself. It only means you need to challenge yourself everyday. There was a scene in the movie where the King’s sister says that she has an improved upgrade for some of the devices, for which the king says it already works fine. But then his sister reminds him, just because something works, doesn't mean you can't improve it to work better. Continue to work hard to have continuity in improvements. It's always good to have a better version of you. It's always beneficial to sharpen your skills. 

At the end of the movie, the King speaks at a global meeting, and announces that for the first time in world history, Wakanda is going to reach out and share it’s knowledge to make the world a better place. Now, I’ve seen the movie, so I know what he means when they are willing to share their knowledge. The technology and riches in Wakanda is at a place where the rest of the world cannot even imagine, but it’s been the best kept secret ever that the world only knows Wakanda as the poorest third world country that does  want help from anyone else. One of the politicians  on the panel asked, ‘With all due respect, what can a farming third world country teach the rest of the world?' 'With all due respect, don't judge someone that you don't know'. Don't just take someone at face value. 



Saturday, February 10, 2018

I wore the same clothes to work for 5 days in a row. Here’s what happened.


I've been contemplating this for a few days now. I first thought about it a few months ago when I saw a video on YouTube, but wasn't bold enough to do it then. I always brushed it off as unnecessary. But this morning I got the courage out of nowhere.

So, the challenge is mainly to wear the same clothes for a week, for whatever reasons it may be; haven’t done laundry, broke, woke up late, priorities, saving etc.

Here are my two reasons;

1. Personal experiment

I’ve got more than I need, but it’s just never enough. I hope to try and eliminate the desire for more wants. I want to re-teach myself to value money, to be appreciative of what I have.

No matter how much shopping I do, no matter how much I extend my wardrobes, I still find myself saying I don’t have enough clothes. Am I that greedy when it comes to clothes and shopping? A £20 watch would do the same job as a £200 watch, but I want only the £200 watch. Truth be told, I honestly don’t have any needs, it always only wants. Can’t I live a minimalistic life?

I’ve also read that people like Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg wear the same shirt every day because they do not want to waste time/brain energy in making decisions on what to wear. If I wear the same clothes every day, I could probably become Facebook’s or Apple’s next contender. You never know!

2. Social experiment

I’m the only person I know who takes half an hour every month to make a monthly schedule on what to wear for that month. This plan obviously takes into consideration the events and activities I have for each day after work, and whether I will be chauffeured to work or if I have to walk to take public transport. Weather doesn’t matter cos it’s always predictable in the UK, i.e., it is cold and rainy every day. 

I also end up with clothes that I outgrow without even wearing them. I used to think I’m super OCD about it, but it’s got nothing to do with OCD. It’s called smart planning. By spending half an hour a month, I get to wear most of my clothes and not repeat it, I save more time in the mornings, and I feel more confident that I’m well dressed. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

I do this because I’m not very creative under pressure to begin with, and I end up wearing the same set of clothes very often because I’m always in a hurry in the mornings. When I do that, I feel I’m being judged. But am I really being judged? 
Does anyone ever notice or care?

So, the ultimate goal is to hopeful want lesser and understand if I’m the one who’s being so self-conscious and judgmental on myself. 


05/02/2018 – Day 1

As I stood in front of my wardrobe, I stared at all my clothes long and hard, trying to figure out to what wear for the whole week that would be appropriate.
What would I want to wear for 5 days in a row? If I’m going to be wearing the same thing for 5 days, I might as well be comfortable. I was going to wear my thickest and warmest jumper, and then I thought, I wouldn’t mind looking sloppy for a day or 2, but probably not 5 days in a row. After a good 15 minutes, I decided on a smart top, cardigan and jeans. At least I won’t be so cold.

Time spent: 15 minutes
Level of confidence: 100%

I couldn’t have been any more wrong with my option for this week. How have I lived in the UK for so long and still underestimate the weather?! I was freezing most of the time! I should have just worn my jumper.

So, day 1 was easy breezy. I had some free time that evening, so I did what I usually do to relax - online window-shopping. I was looking for some potential clothes and shoes to buy, and checking if there were some excellent deals on the watch I wanted. Only day 1, and I’ve already defeated the goal.


06/02/2018 – Day 2

I hesitated as I stood in front of my wardrobe this morning. Should I continue with this? I reluctantly did. I didn’t want to give up too soon, it’s only day 2 after all.

Time spent: 5 minutes
Level of confidence: 80%

I went to work slightly later than usual today, sat at my desk and continued to chat away to my colleagues and carried on with my work as usual. But, I had this thought at the back of my head if they had noticed. When work got busy, I forgot I was wearing the same clothes, but every time I went to the toilet and looked at myself in the mirror, I was reminded and kept asking myself what I’m trying to prove and why am I doing this to myself. I don’t think I can give up on buying new clothes and live a minimalistic life with limited numbers of clothes.

I don’t think I will continue doing this tomorrow. I want to give up, not because I’m not strong-willed. I just don’t see the point of it. I mean, I saw an Asos haul on YouTube this afternoon and made a mental note to look at it later in the day, cos I’ve never shopped from Asos before. 


07/02/2018 – Day 3

Day 3 and Laxman hasn’t even noticed it yet! Should I still wear the same thing? Am I learning anything yet? No! Am I more appreciative of what I already have? No, cos I’m not seeing it or using it! Do I want to give up already? Sigh, no… same clothes

Time spent: 10 minutes
Level of confidence: 40%

When I reached work, I was expecting for at least 1 or 2 of them to notice. But no one saw, no one even batted an eyelid. Every time I walk down the corridor to get a drink, I had this feeling that people from other teams had noticed and were silently judging me. Well, it’s impolite to call out to someone who’s been wearing same clothes. So I didn’t really expect anyone to do that publicly. But I thought some might come to me personally to talk about it.

It was such a long and draggy day at work, and I was feeling really down and dull. Oh well, that’s the end of the third day. I got Chinese take away for dinner to make myself feel better.


08/02/2018 – Day 4

I just couldn’t bear to wear the same clothes again this morning, and I refused to do it. I took out new clothes from my wardrobe and reasoned within my head that I’m technically not giving up; I just didn’t see the point of it anymore. But I was itching to know if Laxman noticed, so I marched into his office room and asked him if he saw what I was wearing to work this week, and he rather casually said no, just as I suspected. Then he justified it by saying no one actually cares and it’s only me who’s so concerned about it. What would he know; he’s more than happy to wear the same shirt to work 2 or 3 days in a row as long as it doesn’t smell or isn’t dirty. I’ve seen a lot of men like that actually. I wonder if it’s a male thing.

Time spent: 15 minutes
Level of confidence: -10%

I ended up wearing the same clothes again, just to prove that I’m not a quitter, to myself at least. More deodorant and perfume today.

Another day at work is feeling like I’m being judged silently, which undoubtedly explains my negative 10% confidence today. I was extra self-conscious at work today that I limited my conversations with anyone. Didn’t want to put myself out there and increase the chances of being seen. Even my manager said I hadn’t spoken a word to anyone at all today.


09/02/2018 – Day 5

Day 5. Thank god it is finally the last day! I’ve been miserable this week, purely because of what I’ve been wearing.

Time spent: 1 minute
Level of confidence: 0%

To make matters worse for me today, it looked as if most of my teammates were so well dressed and well made up. I took an extra effort to mask my face this morning, so I don’t look as miserable as I feel. Nope, still no joy.

There were short talks at work this morning, that we might be snowed in, and that there were extra mattresses stored in the basement. In true blue Bristolian fashion, it only snowed for 2 minutes and then melted away. Snow or storm, I protested that I definitely do not want to be stranded at work this week.

This week had been more stressful for me than any other week, that I used it as an excuse for take away dinner again and a movie night.


Outcome

I was wrong, completely wrong. No one noticed until I asked them if they had seen what I wore this week. I cannot believe not even one of them saw! I just can’t. And to think that I was so worried and self-conscious for nothing!

My protest against staying overnight at work during a natural calamity this week lead to them being curious as to why I was against it. When I explained everything, my manager put two and two together and figured this is why I was so quiet on Thursday. He even suggested that I give an interview for the weekly work bulletin. Why not?

I’ve NOT changed my mind about wanting to buy more clothes and shoes. I’ve NOT 
had the urge to donate half my clothes from my wardrobe. I don’t care if I don’t fit into it; I still want my closet to be full! And I’ve still not given up on the £200 watch.

I’ve spent 46 minutes in total this week to figure out what to wear in the mornings, lost so much confidence, and I’m sure some hair too while worry if I’m being judged, wasn’t being myself most of the time, and wasn’t happy most of the time. Forget about saving brain energy and time by wearing the same clothes. I would have done much better with my regular monthly planning!

I’ve decided that the minimalistic life isn’t for me. I’m still going to make a schedule every month, and I’m definitely going shopping next week for more clothes and shoes, and eventually that watch too.

Would you wear the same clothes for a week?