Saturday, October 8, 2016

8 years

8 years since venturing into the unknown western territory! Feels like it was just yesterday, although a lot has happened in the 2920 days.

This was my first time to a western country, first time on a long haul flight, first time traveling alone into the unknown with no solid plans other than to finish my masters for that year.
When I was leaving, a lot of my friends had a farewell party for me, which obviously followed along with series questions.

Question 1: How long are you going to be there?
Me: I don’t know

Question 2: When are you coming back?
Me: I don’t know

Question 3:  What are you going to do after your masters? Do you plan to work there?
Me: I don’t know

Question 4: Do you know anyone in Glasgow?
Me: No, I don’t  

Question 5: Do you want to come back?
Me: I don’t know!

Please, save me the misery. Why so many questions when it’s essentially only one, and my answer was definitely only one! I DON’T KNOW. And I hated to give that answer, because I wanted to know. I’m not the kind of person who wants to be in control and who wants to do only what I want. I don’t always take things into my own hands and work for it to happen. I just like to know what is going to happen so that I am prepared. This part of me is such a contradiction to the other part of me that loves surprises! Now that I think of it, it’s really weird that I like to know what is going to happen next, but at the same time I enjoy surprises. I should have perhaps taken life in that light. Taking one thing at a time and enjoying the surprises that life has to offer.

Little did I know that it wouldn’t just be that one year.  Year after year, right from 2008 till today, every single year has been a challenge, not because I wasn’t able to handle it, purely because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Was I going to stay on, what was I going to do next? Where was I going to go? What should I do?
The last 8 years have been an adventure unknown to me before it all started. I got 2 postgrad degrees, worked in a few different places, got involved in many things that I had no previous experience or clue, went to places I never thought I would, travelled quite a bit, moved quite a bit, got married, had major changes in my life, went through the bulk of it with uncertainties, and all this happened without my planning and without me knowing this a year in advance.

Of course I knew all along that even if I didn’t know what was going to happen in the following year, my creator knew everything full well, because he holds my future. As much as I have always been aware of who holds my future, I still wanted to know what was going to happen and I wanted to be prepared for it. There is always a nagging worry, doubt and fear at the back of my mind about something or the other.

The reminder on Facebook got me thinking if I’m still the same person. No I’m not. I still don’t know what’s going to happen next, I still have no preparations, but there’s an unexplainable confidence in the certainty of who is in control of my life if I am not. 

After 8 years now, and seeing everything that has happened, I can finally say, I’ve finally understood in this thick head of mine, that it’s ok if I am not in control. It’s ok if I didn’t know. It’s ok if I didn’t have any answers at the moment. It’s ok if I am not sure. There is no need to be worried because of uncertainties. I will never be sure, I’ll never be able to dictate my life the way I see things, I will never really have my way in everything, because I chose to let God have His way in everything, because the one who holds my future has plans to give me hope and a future. Doesn’t He know what He’s doing? Why worry then?

Let go and let God.

No comments: