Sunday, February 25, 2007

wonderful morning...but confusing ending

Today started off very beautifully. I woke up late as usual, but still....i was happy.... i was late for church by a few minutes, but i didnt miss too much...they had just started...

From the moment i stepped into church, till i stepped out...i was smilling. I especially enjoyed the worship today... it was really good....Even the preaching was good... I felt as if it was meant for me. When i was on my way back home...i had a lot of things in my mind. I made a few decisions, i actually made this decisions some time back but i just didnt follow it ( i even forgot about it....). So, today, i renewed those decisions.

For the past few months, i realized that my character has been changing slowly ( I never really realized it while it was happening ). Now, I feel as if i am a totaly different person. My friends back at home in Malaysia will know me as very patient, understanding and always smilling. But my friends here in India have never really seen that kind of Lakshmi. the ppl here think that i'm short tempered, arrogant and moody. Of course they have never told me that they think of me like that, but i can obviously make it out that that's how i am here.

I dont know how I became like this and why ( i even become depressed and upset easily ). But at least i have realized that i'm changing and i've realized that i should do something about it....

So, today, when i was on my way back, i made up my mind that i want to be the normal Lakshmi who was in Malaysia once again ( I dont like this Indian Lakshmi that i see in the mirror everyday ).

I wanted to share all the joy i had in me. I wanted to be a blessing to the ppl i see everyday.... But that was not what happened. even when i am normal, i am mistaken to be moody...i just dont understand...

I for one do not know how to and do not like to and do not want to butter up to ppl and be fake and show emotions and sentiments. i hate being like that!! so i dont behave like that to anyone at all..... But i'm slowly realizing that ppl will only accept you when you are fake to them... what is becoming of the world today??!! when u r urself (being urself, being truthful, being sincere and honest). they do not accept you. but when u put on a mask they love you ( for who u r NOT!!)

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